Building A Village

We all know what they say, "it takes a village." It's almost trite at this point but, in truth, it does take a village, but not just to raise a child. It takes a village to raise a mom too. Taking care of a newborn baby is hard enough but, when you are also totally depleted from lack of sleep and breastfeeding and still recovering from the major physical event that is giving birth, it's just that much harder. We need our community to rally around us to help us with the day to day tasks of cooking, cleaning, and taking care of older children. But we also need the support of other moms to tell us we're doing a good job, to give us resources when we need them, and just to help us not feel alone at a time that can feel very isolating. The number one protective factor against postpartum mood disorders is having support and we know, when we're in the thick of it, it can be hard to reach out and look for that support. That's why building a community should be just as much a part of postpartum planning as decorating a nursery (or, maybe, I would argue, an even larger part!). 

When I was pregnant with my son, my husband and I attended an 8 week childbirth education class at Loving Arms Childbirth Services. While I was expecting to learn lots of tools that would be useful during labor and delivery and hoped for some tips for breastfeeding and newborn care (all of which I definitely got), what I didn't expect was the community that the class would help me build. I had a lot of friends who had kids so I didn't really think I would need to actively create a new mom community but, what I realized is that there is something incredibly valuable about having a group of moms who are in the exact same stage as you at the exact same time. When I would ask my friends with toddlers questions specific to the newborn stage, they would get a hazy look in their eyes and tell me they didn't remember. I couldn't believe they could forget something so huge that had only happened in the last two years but, now that I've been through it myself, you actually do forget! The fact that I could send a message out on the WhatsApp thread with all the moms from my Loving Arms group at 3 am when I was nursing and feeling alone and know that someone else would also be awake nursing was incredibly helpful. Suddenly I wouldn't feel so alone. That WhatsApp group was a lifeline, as was the postpartum yoga class I would attend every Friday. It wasn't that I could actually do any yoga (although my teacher, Leonora Willis, is a total baby whisperer and would often hold my son so I could sneak in a pose or two!) but I got to see the women I had met in Leonora's prenatal class and that helped get me out of the house and feel connected (not an easy feat in those early months!).

In an ideal world, we wouldn't have to do so much work to build our villages because we would literally already be living in them. We would have friends, aunties, cousins, and neighbors dropping by to help out or bring food. We would also have watched our older relatives have babies. They would have nursed them in front of us and given them to us to hold so that, by the time we had our own babies, it wouldn't feel so foreign. But the world we live in now is scattered. Our loved ones are often far away and, even if they're not, we are all working so hard and don't always have enough time to take care of someone outside our immediate family. When we prepare for the transformation that comes with becoming a mother, we get the opportunity to build and strengthen our support system. One of the best ways to do this is to take a childbirth education class, like the one I took at Loving Arms or similar ones offered by Brilliant Births, Natural Resources and other great local places. I also loved prenatal yoga (especially with Leonora Willis of Daughter of Samoa but there are lot of great teachers, like Annemaria Rajala at The Green Yogi) but there are great mom-focused fitness class like Momleta or The Lotus Method if that's more your thing. The exercise is helpful during pregnancy and postpartum but the connections and community that is built in those classes is invaluable. As we consider Maternal Mental Health this month, we can remember that having a strong network of support is absolutely crucial for a new mom and encourage building community to be an essential piece of postpartum planning.